In a previous and very popular post I reproduced the first floor of the set of Roseanne but the lingering question won’t leave my head – what about the SECOND floor?
Every way I’ve looked at it I can’t make any kind of sense out of it. It simple doesn’t fit together in any way shape or form. Where does the staircase lead to? Are the kids rooms opposite each other or parallel? And WHERE, exactly, do the doors in DJ’s rooms lead to?
I’ve always thought when looking at the house the girls room was on the left side and DJ’s was on the right but the windows and doors made no sense at all to me. Recently though while watching a season marathon I decide that it has to be the opposite putting DJ’s room above Dan and Roseanne’s which is on the left of the house. So that being said the windows that we see on the show are actually facing the rear of the house instead of the front, so trying to make them coordinate with the outside of the house isn’t possible.
So this is where I need reader participation! I am going to attempt a 3-D render of the entire Conner property but I need YOUR help. We need to figure out exactly how the second floor fits together as a cooperative effort. Post comments on this page or write to me at DUNDEBRAIN@gmail.com!
has anybody else noticed how pretty much every self respecting queer has bought into the apple empire???
I’m on my plane back to Dallas now. yeah, San Diego fell through. Plenty of BS to go around, someday I’ll write about exactly what the BS entailed and the details about how about 25% of my family are inbred assholes that got ghetto rich and think they’re better than their white trash roots and have somehow achieved a level of piety that puts them above the others that sprang from the same loin they did. eff them, as my mom said they’re nothing more than modern day philistines. whatever that means.
Anywho I’m on my way back home now and there’s a total cutie sitting in the row next to me. when I see a cutie it’s always hit or miss – are they a big ol
mo or are they not?
I studdied him a bit and everything was setting off my gaydar. The hair. the inappropriately tight jeans. the cute tookas. Everything is saying “yeah, I’m a big homer” and then the final detail nailed it in. he whipped out his mac book.
GAAAAAAAAY.
Sure a lot of straight guys own mac books. They probably have a pair of chucks in their closet and wear fitted
t-shirts too. I’m not saying anything about their repressed sexuality but they probably dress like a fag.
oops. my brother owns a mac….
anyway. let’s see if het gets off at el paso or Dallas and then let’s see if I still think he’s cute enough to ask to a meal in a well lit enviornment, physical contact restricted to a handshake.
Before I got here I heard stories about the natives of San Diego and their 4 degree temperature tolerance which of course I laughed at. Naturally in Texas I wear shorts year round. I own jeans now, I just bought them a month ago or so and I wear them when it’s too chilly but normally I’m a year round shorts type of guy. Here though, it’s totally different.
Right now it’s 57 and I’m friggin COLD. It’s so bizarre to me, normally in Texas I’d be sitting outside with a light jacket on but here, when it dips down to 49 at night I’ve got 4 blankets and I actually wear a hat to bed. I WEAR A HAT. I’m sitting inside and I’m chilly, but if someone came over right now they would say it was sweltering in here. There has to be some kind of thermal dimensional oddity in this town. I blame it on the ocean. I came here thinking I’d leave with a sun tan but now that my mystic airbrush fake bake tan has faded I’m paler than I was when I began. And I still have a few zebra stripes from that god awful tan too.
Speaking of the sun, I was lucky enough to see a GREEN FLASH on the sunset yesterday! It was amazing, I had heard about them on Pirates of the Caribbean but beyond that I figured it was just a made up movie thing. Little did I know it’s a REAL thing, when the sun sets on the ocean on a perfectly clear day when the atmosphere is just right and the moon is in Aquarius a flash of green light can be seen as the sun disappears into the horizon.
It was really cool, I wasn’t even expecting it. I was watching the sun set from the Pier and the people around me started talking about it saying “wait for it – wait for it -” and as the sun went down they all said “WOW! Look at that green flash!” And sure enough, there was a flash of green light. Considering this is the 5th time I’ve seen the ocean in my life and the first perfect, unobscured sunset on it I thought it was a pretty common thing. When I told my friends here about it they got excited and said that it’s really really rare to see one.
So that was pretty damn cool. I did some research on it and its some kind of optical prism thing that happens when the conditions are right, so I feel totally lucky. I’ve got a little time left in this awesome little town so I’ll make sure and keep the world updated, since lately it seems like a few extra eyes have been on me O_o
Howdy DUNDERCATS! It’s a beautiful day here in sunny San Diego, but alas it’s time for the DUNDERBRAIN! to get back to where the pastures are green. I’ve had to cut my trip short and although I’d love to tell you all about it I’m afraid I’d bore you to death with the details so lets just skip it. If you really want to know, send me an email at DUNDERBRAIN@gmail.com and I’ll send you the public release my PR agent came up with, it’s a pretty interesting story.
So anywho it’s back to the lone star state where I belong. So where does that leave DUNDERBRAIN! 2010? Right where I left it d-kittens, but with a totally different edge. If you haven’t noticed I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately. Few and infrequent posting, darker material (not like “the compass” dark material though…) and to say cynical would be polite, but it’s on an upswing.I’m going back to my DUNDEROOTS, back to the days when I was young enough to blog on myspace, before I even had a domain name.
Take this classic gem for example:
Why does farting defy gravity?
Here’s a bit of tasteless humor – and it just came to me too.
If your ass is at the bottom of you GI system, why does gas come out there? The weight of fart gas compared to turds is considerably lighter, so why is it when you take a crap, all the gas comes out first? You would think that all the turds would come out first leaving a gassy finale, but no. This is just one instance of reality being a huge joke. Refer to earlier blogs for more instances as well.
Just a pointless thought, I shall write more later.
WELL! It was a rocky start here folks and I’ll spare you the details, just let me tell you the DUNDERBRAIN! got knocked right back down to ground level on Friday but now it’s Monday and I’ve already managed to claw my way right back to the top. I’ve had to lose some people in the process but apparently the people in question aren’t worth my time anyway, so good riddance to bad rubbish! I really amaze myself at how I can do that. I’ve never been truly homeless or destitute but it’s definitely been a rough 29 years! I’m sure that goes for everyone, but (not to toot my own horn) I’m a pretty damn resilient mofo. No matter what seems to screw up I always end up right back on top or pretty close to it at least. Change is something I am used to, to quote Nancy Botwin from WEEDS, it’s not the storm I’m afraid of, the storm I can weather. It’s the calm I don’t like.
So back to the San Diego tip, I’ve been hanging out in Ocean Beach a lot and it’s a super cute area. The best thing about this entire area, I’ve discovered, is the FISH TACOS. THEY ARE AMAZING. I hate fish, HAAAAATE fish but I’m absolutely addicted to these things. The first time I had them I was leery but I went ahead and ordered a grilled Mahi taco . The thing was HUGE, piled with cabbage (which was suprisingly good) and the most amazing pico I have ever had.
There was fish taco #1.
The next day I went to lunch with a friend here. She had her dog with her so we sat on the patio – when the waitress came out she had a bowl of water for the dog! This is the most amazingly dog friendly city, everyone has a dog. It’s like Harry Potter, everyone has a little animal of some kind running around them. Dogs get treated so much differently here, they mean so much more. In texas I’m used to people having 10 dogs tied up in their backyard that they never take care of, or breeding them without a concience then letting the ones that don’t get sold die. Anyway I ordered another Mahi taco to contrast and compare. Definitely a hard thing to do – they were both amazing. This one was very similar but I think the fish was chopped as apposed to the filet on the other taco. Either way it was amazing.
That was fish taco #2.
Yesterday I walked to the beach to watch the sunset. I headed out early to ensure I saw it, I tried the other day but just caught the tail end of it. When I got here the Ocean Beach fishing pier was closed but yesterday it was back open so I checked it out. It was pretty cool standing above the waves, watching them curl up then crash into the supports under the pier. I stopped off at the cafe near the end of the pier where they had lobster tacos, it was a deviation from the mahi I had been doing but it sounded exciting. I sat on the pier looking over the ocean to eat until I noticed the birds around me were pretty hungry, and they didn’t seem to be afraid of humans.
That was fish taco #3.
I can’t decide on a winner because they were all soooooo damn good. I’m going to keep exploring and keep my little DUNDERCATS! posted on the fish taco situation.
Here it is folks – the moment we’ve all been dreading/yearning for – I’m leaving for sunny San Diego! I’ve got about 30 short sleeve shirts packed, all my electronic goodies, books (I’m gonna learn how to read!), and enough clean white socks to get me into 2011.
Naturally I’m pretty pasty. Youch! I thought, as I prepare to embark upon this voyage into a land dominated by the sun. All the cuties there are going to be tanned and gorgeous – I had to do something so yesterday I broke down and got a spray tan. It was an interesting process, a friend of mine who has all the equipment did it. This morning though I woke up and looked like an Oompa Loompa, my skin way WAY orange. I decided not to freak out until after my shower and sure enough as soon as I got in all the tan product that was still on me rinsed away and I was left with beautiful sun kissed skin!
HA! Trick’s on THEM! I never SEE the sun! My hands got a little George Hamilton-y but I’m crazy. I compulsively was my hands sometimes. So I’m not too worried.
In about 12 hours or so I’m going to be in Las Cruces, NM where I grew up eating some of the best Mexican food in the world. BETTER than Mexico even, because it’s NEW Mexico. Newer is always better. I’ve made this drive a dozen times at least so this trip will go a lot faster than my drive to upstate New York this summer.
Well that’s enough of a scatter brained blog for one morning. Maybe I’ll get started on a road blog today. Then hopefully I’ll finish it.
so I just made it to San Diego and man is this place cool! I’m in ocean beach right now anxiously awaiting a place to stay. I’m really hoping my aunt and uncle have wifi otherwise I’m going to be a very very bored child.
I finally saw the ocean today and I totally can’t believe how gorgeous it is. now I’ve got three whole days before I start to work and I must find a way to occupy my time.
first off I need to make some fun friends to occupy my time. I’ve gotten so comfortable with the awesome group of friends I have in Texas that I haven’t had to worry with making new friends in a really long time but really who wouldn’t love me – I mean look at me.
I sit here at 2:00 am FINALLY redressing the DUNDERBRAIN!, getting her gussied up for the new year, and oh what an exciting year it’s going to be. There’s no way to tell you what exactly is in store because I don’t even know yet – 2010 is going to be a huge surprise for us all!
First off, we’re starting off the year by moving the DUNDERBRAIN! to the beautimous pacific city of San Diego!!! In five days I’m getting dropped in the middle of the San Diego suburbs with no car for 4 months! I’m really excited, I’ll be working with the San Diego Opera as an intern in the wig department and rubbin some bodies as always for a little extra cash here and there.
First off I’m going to learn how to use public transportation – and mooch rides off people. I’ve always really sucked at mooching, I just don’t do it right. You have to be an unashamed moocher to do it properly and I just can’t help but feel like I totally SUCK when I can’t be 100% self sustained. I’ve always had my own car save the few years my ex and I shared one and I’ve never lived in a city with decent public transportation so that will definitely be interesting.
Next I gotta find the gays. I asked my friend where the gays be and he said it’s a pretty gay city in general, so I guess that’ll be on my agenda of discoveries. As sad as it sounds I’ve never spent much time outside the bible belt so experiencing new people is going to be really awesome. I’m looking forward to rubbing elbows with some creative people and maybe sparking some of my own creativity again. This bitch has had writer’s block for a minute now.
So the format of the blog is going to change up a bit again, expect shorter, more frequent blogs as I will be communicating mostly through my wordpress iPod touch app and I’m not that great with typing. I’m going to be exploring new restaurants and haunts so yeah, it’ll mostly be SoCal oriented but still entertaining to the rest of my global fans 
Right now I’m looking about a 3 hour round trip commute so I’ll have plenty of time to type away on every little thing that happens in my life – and if I can manage to save up a bit more cash before I go I may splooge and buy myself a new camera – I almost think it may be vital…
Anyway – it’s going to be an exciting season DUNDERCATS! Stay tuned…
Yes DUNDERCATS, it’s Christmas again. It’s time for Uncle Robert to get drunk and cop a feel on his brother’s wife, time for mother to have a breakdown because the stuffing burned, and time for father to get fed up with this family’s crap and finally take initiative to LEAVE. Isn’t that the way it goes for most families?
So amidst the millions of “merry christmas” text messages and pile-ups outside every shopping center in the land, we got SNOW here in Texas last night. EFFING SNOW. So now I’m stuck at home until Old Man Winter DIES and I can head out to my mom’s house. But check THIS out that happened to me last night -
So my roommate left for New York, he used the secret and found a flight out. Before he left I was being all grinchy so jokingly he told me “you better watch out mister, tonight you’re going to be visited by three ghosts, and each will show you the true meaning of the christmas spirit.” I said “whatever, you’re a Jew.” Because he is! He doesn’t celebrate christmas! So I bit him a safe journey and curled back up on the couch.
As he left I ordered pizza. I settled into watching Uncle Buck on TV and waited for the delivery boy that I made drive in the ice and snow. Finally a knock came at the door which I answered. I paid for my pizza and the delivery boy grabbed my arm and said “I am the ghost of christmas past! Come with me, I must show you what you’ve forgotten!” So I said what the hell, if he wasn’t telling the truth at least maybe I’d get a good time out of it. So I got my sweater and we headed out.
Next thing I knew I was looking down on an 8 year old version of me sleeping in his bed. I remembered the room, the house, the long hallway that led to the living room. It was christmas eve. He/I began to stir with the excitement of seeing what Santa had brought me. I watched myself jump out of bed and carefully walk down the hall but I noticed the clock – it was 11pm. I remembered this – I ran after myself yelling for him to stop but the ghost said “He can’t hear you.”
As I rounded the corner to the living room little Justin was already standing there, devastated. My mother was sitting in the middle of the floor setting up my brand new Nintendo… that santa was supposed to bring me. The rest of my family were sitting around the living room watching in shock. I was witnessing the murder of Santa Clause.
My mom quickly came up with “Santa came, and he was in a huge hurry. He asked me if I would set it up for you.” Then my grandmother behind her said “And he gobbled down the cookies you left” but the crumbs were still in her moustache.
“Why the hell are you showing this to me?” I asked the ghost.
“I’m here to show you christmas past.” He said, confused.
“This is CRAP, what kind of puppy kill bullshit show are you running here?” He could see that I wasn’t very happy with him so he returned me back to my apartment where I opened a bottle of wine and sat down to eat my pizza.
A few minutes later a crash came from my bathroom. I jumped up and ran in to see what was going on and standing there, in front of a drafty mess in my bedroom where he had destroyed the window when he came in, allowing wind and snow to pour into the dwelling.
“HO HO HO!” He exclaimed with jolliness, “I am the ghost of christmas present.
“What the hell did you do that for, I’ve got a front door!” I yelled as my dogs barked up a storm.
“Never mind that, come with me! I have someone you once loved to show you, someone you lost years ago.” Great, what a joy. I get to go see what kind of fun other people are having.
Now we cutscened to a little apartment I had never seen before. I didn’t know why he had brought me here, I had never been here before. I walked into the living room of the place and saw my ex and his new boyfriend sitting on their couch smoking crack. My ex was building some dinky little thing out of tin foil as his new beau ground his teeth and flipped through the channels.
“This is the one you left to be alone, destined to roam the earth a single individual person.” The ghost said to me.
“Yeah, and he’s smoking CRACK. Why the hell would this make me feel any different about any situation?” I looked at him disgusted.
“Well don’t you still love him?”
“I could give a FUCK about him! That fool made my life hell for way too long, why the hell would I still love him?” He was confused at my statement.
“Well I give up. This is bullcrap. Christmas Future can deal with you, I haven’t got shit else to say.” And the apartment disappeared leaving me back in my bedroom with the window repaired. Completely frustrated with the disturbance to my peaceful evening I walked back into the living room and turned on the TV.
It didn’t turn on.
I flipped it a couple more times until a deathly cold breeze hit me in the back. I turned and the sliding glass door of my balcony was wide open and a dark figure stood in the threshold.
“Holy crap, let me guess, ghost of christmas future.” He nodded as I said it. “I suppose you want me to come with you too.” He extended a cold, black hand to me so yeah, I fallowed him.
Suddenly I was standing outside of a retirement trailer park in Phoenix AZ. The ghost was gone and I was now by myself. I started walking down the street, each trailer looking generally the same until I came to a single wide painted pitch black. What an odd color for any house I thought as I walked about 2 feet onto the overgrown yard.
BAM suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my thigh. WHAT THE HELL! I yelled, looking around me. Suddenly another sharp pain in my other thigh.
“I’ll give you five seconds to get off my GODDAMN LAWN before I get out the real thing, you son of a bitch!” Standing on the front porch of the black trailer was me. A really, really old me. I jumped back and apologized, he glared at me still before slinking back into the shadows. Crap, I had turned into a pissed off old man.
I blinked my eyes and I was back in my lonely apartment with the ghost.
“Has anything you’ve seen tonight convinced you to change your ways, giving back to you the true meaning of christmas?” The room was quiet, I got sentimental. And I answered him.
“HELL no. Santa isn’t real, my ex is a crack head, and I should have stayed off that old man’s lawn! Can I help you with anything else you creepy bastard?” He was shocked. “Now get out! GET OUT!” I shoved him, he was confused, I pushed him out the door slamming it shut. I opened it a sliver one last time and yelled “AND TELL THOSE OTHER GODDAMN GHOSTS TO STAY OFF MY LAWN!” And then I went to bed.
So see kids, it wasn’t a boring christmas eve for me either. Now if the roads would thaw I’ll be heading to my mom’s.
Last night I bought into the hype and saw James Cameron’s “epic movie” Avatar. I had never seen a 3D movie so I was pretty jazzed about it – but is ANYBODY surprised that I was disappointed? It’s ok you can read on, there aren’t any spoilers. There’s nothing TO spoil, this was about the most predictable, thinly-laid plot I’ve ever spent 2.5 hours waiting to play out.
3D is cool for like half an hour or so but he picture had more depth than the actual movie. At 45 minutes in I was checking my watch. I figured it couldn’t be that long of a movie, so I hung in there but after two and a half hours of crap flying out at me I was ready to leave this weird 3D world and go back to where things are really 3D.
OK so journey back with me to 1992. Colors were neon. Prince was popular still. And there was a cute little movie called Fern Gully about a man that changed into a fairy to save the forest from destruction. The little fairies had a deep connection to the forest and crap. Now skip ahead to 1993 to a movie called Schindler’s List. Now watch the two together and BOOM you’ve already seen Avatar.
What it boils down to is this movie was GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Being a proper homosexual myself I hate it when kids use this term but I really can’t think of another word to describe this… epic. After you get past the big blue aliens with little boobs and the rope light trees there isn’t much left. It was epically long. It was epically GAY. It was epically AVATARDED.
I was a total recluse this week, I missed a ton of crap. So lets do a little run-through of the things that went on.
FOR ONCE, SHAKIRA DOESN’T SING LIKE A DEAF PERSON.
That’s right folks, I was as shocked at you are. When my roommate’s sister told him that Shakira sang Santa Baby at Rockafeller center and DIDN’T sound like a deaf person when she sang I could hardly believe it, until I watched it. Sure enough, she sounds like she actually took time to learn the language she was singing in before performing. There are a few times where she sounds a little duh duh-ish but for the most part she’s great. You can always tell when a person doesn’t know the language they’re singing in and it’s totally annoying. Like the LAMEbert, but he has no excuse his first language is english. I know it’s about a month old already but I was stuck in love land for 3 months so I’m way out of touch. Anyway, watch the video.
CHRISTMAS IS UNDER ATTACK.
Apparently the atheists are at it again, persecuting the Christians. Is it just me or are the fundamentalists always looking for an excuse to be victimized or otherwise play the martyr? So many times I’ve hear BS like “Christianity is the most persecuted religion in the world” and I say it’s about time. For literally over a thousand years the religion ruled with an iron fist torturing people for believing otherwise just as was done to their own savior. Still to this day America is ruled by Christian law even to the point that we still can’t buy hard liquor on Sundays, even in a country that boasts freedom of religion. And even though christians make up over 75% of the country THEY are still the ones that are persecuted. Not the gays that they forbid to marry, not the countries that we are trying to steal oil from, nope.
Now it’s CHRISTMAS that’s under attack. I can’t count how many facebook messages I’ve seen saying “it’s merry christmas, not happy holidays” which is crap, there are more holidays in December than Christmas. Personally I’m not Christian, the only reason I celebrate Christmas is my family is totally invested in it and it’s an excuse to see them. If that buys me a ticket to fire and brimstome that’s fine, I’m queer (that means I’ve got an extra ticket if anybody wants to come along) but I seriously doubt that’s the case. I have a satisfactory relationship with my higher power without having to give any church my money or really put forth any effort what so ever.
UGANDA??? REALLY???
So this week Uganda is trying to make homosexuality a crime. I mean I know Africa is pretty ghetto but seriously, this is just retarded. The bill isn’t screwing around either, if you even ACT like you wanna do it with a guy you can go to jail for life, and for 
“aggravated homosexuality” or repeated offenses (often times I think I’m an aggravated homosexual…) you get THE DEATH PENALTY. CNN quoted David Bahati, a member of Uganda’s parliment as saying the bill “aims to protect the cherished culture of the people of Uganda against the attempts of sexual rights seeking to impose their values of sex promiscuity of the people of Uganda.”
WTF??? This is coming from a country who, on their flag, have a picture of a CHICKEN. That’s right, a CHICKEN. They’re just mad because gays have taste and they obviously do not.
I usually try to stay away from touching, soft subjects on DUNDERBRAIN, for no other reason than that isn’t what the DUNDERBRAIN is about. However things can’t always be cynical and sarcastic, or fabulous and funny. Sometimes they’re just real.
Something real that I’ve had to come to terms with in the past couple days is my life isn’t ordinary. I’ve never been the average, run of the mill Joe and I’m happy with that. However recently I met someone that was. My friend told me that if I want to find a love that’s satisfying I’m going to have to get myself a good man and and leave the “juvenile delinquent” type that I’m so accustomed to alone.
So I found myself a good man, and MAN was this man amazing. He had a good job. He had a car. He treated me like a price and I was on cloud 9. I didn’t want to do the whole “I love you” thing but he swept me off my feet and made me feel like it was ok, for the first time in a long time, to fall. So I did, and I fell hard.
This dude was everything I wanted in another person, but more than anything he was stable. I could take a huge breath when I was around him – it wasn’t like the babysitting I had to do with the train wreck I almost married, and it wasn’t the constant worry of infidelity that I experienced with the jerk before him. I had never really experienced a decent guy, someone that treated me as well as I treated him.
But, as my dear friend Nelly Furtado says, all good things come to an end. And it did. It hit me like a ton of bricks so I got pretty pissed, I wrote him an email voicing all my confusion and frustration and within a day he wrote me back. He wasn’t an ass at all, he wasn’t rude. In many ways I wish he would have been so it would made this break easier but he’s the same, genuine person he always was.
He explained that he didn’t want to break up because I’m an asshole, because I light my farts on fire, because I leave beard on his sink when I shave at his house – it was the one thing that hurt the most: I’m not ordinary. The problem with good, stable guys is they like good, stable guys which I’m not. I’m a huckalero, I work a couple hours a day for the few months I’m in town and for the rest of the year I’m in California, New York, who knows where else… I’m not a sit still type personality. My life doesn’t fit into a cubicle and it never will. It didn’t hurt because he insulted me, it had nothing to do with him at all. It hurt because I had to admit to myself that I would never lead a normal life.
So many times I’ve thought about how wonderful life would be if I could just be ordinary. When I was a kid I thought life would be easier if I were straight, now I wounder if life would be easier if I had a degree and normal colored hair. Would it be easier if every morning, monday through friday I got out of bed and fought traffic to work, sat in an office for 8 hours with a short lunch break in the middle, then came home to watch Tyra and Roseanne on DVR? Would that make me happy, would I be satisfied? What if I lived like my parents instead of like my parents are out of town for the weekend?
I’ll never know because it’s impossible. I’m like a Lynyrd Skynyrd song. I may as well buy a Harley and a leather jacket with “lone wolf” airbrushed on the back. I’ve always thought that I’m better when I have a partner but I’m really starting to think I work better alone. It took falling in love with normalcy to show me that I am light years beyond normal and I will never be happy with it.
So now that that’s over the functionality at DUNDERBRAIN will now return to normal. POOP!
Yup, that’s right kids. The DUNDERBRAIN got DUNDERDUMPED. I won’t go into the sappy details of it any further than instead of coffee this morning I got the feared “we need to talk… alone” email. Really, what else could that mean? So I let myself feel for approximately 15 minutes then I went back to my usual routine of clubbing baby seals and eating little girls alive.
After that, breaking up sucks on your social life. When you’re a couple you start doing couple things, making appearances together, taking pictures together, commenting on each other’s social networks, all that crap that makes single people nauseated. I sooooo wish I had a personal assistant or a publicist to handle this shit for me, it would be so much easier if I could just turn off my phone and crawl into a hole.
But no, first off the facebook relationship status has to be changed. It makes it so much easier to rip the bandaid off right away while the mascara is still dripping down your face than to wait days after, or even worse – wait for THEM to do it. Nothing drills a stake into your heart more than seeing the person that just dumped you on your news feed as “now single”.
Then the txt’s, emails, instant messages, etc etc etc start flowing in. “Are you ok?” “What happened?” Your mother wants to talk to you. People from high school hope you’re ok. It would be so much easier if my publicist could hold a press conference and tell the star, the globe, the enquirer, all those minds that want to know this:
PUBLIC STATEMENT – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DUNDERBRAIN! is ok, they had creative differences and have decided to pursue other endeavors. The breakup was amicable and the rumors of him sleeping with Tiger Woods was a desperate shot from Perez Hilton at defaming the DUNDERBRAIN! name. Charges have been pressed and WILL.I.AM has already offered to kick his ass for it. The DUNDERBRAIN! camp is exploring all options at this time. Thank you for your concern, operations have already resumed as usual.
The DUNDERBRAIN! camp.
Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Until then I’m going to watch some sappy movies, drink myself into a coma, and trash on Adam Lambert until the pain goes away.
The internet is a bitchy, bitchy place. Every day something is misconstrued, misunderstood, mistaken, and misused. The worst troublemaker on the internet is SARCASM. Nobody gets sarcasm online AT ALL. Take this statement for example:
Now that Sarah Pallin, she’d make a great president.
Compare it to this statement:
Now that Sarah Pallin, she’d make a great president.
What’s the difference? One was said with sarcasm, I’ll let you figure out which one. There needs to be a system for deciphering this, when I post a sarcastic status update on facebook or a tongue in cheek tweet on Twatter I want people to know. So what’s my solution?
Anytime you say something sarcastic put a big fat *S* next to it. Isn’t that so completely simple? How many message board spats could be avoided by ending an ambiguously sarcastic statement with *S* letting your audience know your intentions.
This is only the beginning of the TONEicon revolution, there needs to be a council (like the one that wrote the bible!) to establish the toneiconical system. Bloggers, vloggers, gamers, and internet nerds around the world should unite in a United Nations style forum to discuss the specifics and intricacies of this new system.
It will be a revolution.
Do you have any TONEicon sugguestions???
A year ago during the election I made these happy little pics inspired by the LOLcats. Here I give you, again, the LOLiticiams.
I love to google. One could say I’m a googlin fool. My current lifestyle doesn’t define time by “days of the week” so mondays really mean little to me besides my friends can’t come out to play during the day, but I hear it can really get people down. So here’s some stuff that cheered me up, maybe it’ll turn your monday frown upside down as well.
GOBBLER TOYS
The toys on here are absolutely high-larious. They remind me of the old Garbage Pail Kids from the 80’s. I think they tried to bring them back a few years ago but for some reason gross isn’t as parentally acceptable these days, even though most of the parents now probably had the whole collection as a kid. These are my favorites:
and finally
Check out the rest at GOBBLER TOYS!
MULTISICK
I dunno, I loved the bunny on the first page. Its just a bunch of weird pics, I can’t gather much else from it that that. I was entertained and that’s all that matters. I love the snippet from the kid’s quiz “5. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle? answer: No girls to find that shit attractive” and the teacher writes “nice try.” LOL!
THIS GUY… WHALE HUMPER
MAY FRY YOUR BRAIN…
This video made me think of my friend Sarah so I had to post it. I think it may possibly have the potential to fry your brain though.
A couple old favorites 
I have entirely too much time on my hands.
Martin writes:
In the 1960s and 70s dog poo was white. Why?
Dear Martin,
When you first wrote this to me I thought you were putting me on. Every day I take my dogs outside and when they do their business I take a plastic bag and pick it up and their ugly little turds are always brown, so of course I wrote back asking what the eff you were talking about for which you replied something starting with “Ah, perhaps you’re too young”. Well turds are turds, I thought, they didn’t just invent brown turds when I came along in 1981. Little did I know, I was horribly wrong.
Considering I live in the Güero Ghetto NOBODY cleans up after their dogs in my complex. I’m constantly dodging little dried up turds and now that I think back on it they do turn a bit grey when they dry out. It sparked my google sense so I started browsing and as it turns out dog food used to be a LOT crappier (teehee) than it is now.
Over the years dog food makers have stopped using bone meal in dog food replacing it with stuff that’s a little better for your dog (like cats). Back in the 60’s and 70’s though the stuff was LOADED with it, increasing the raw calcium content of dog crap. As the bile (digestive excrement giving poo it’s brown color) begins to dry the excrement it looses it’s brown color and the white from the undigested bone meal becomes more prominent.
Now dried up dog turds turn more of a grayish color depending on the quality of food they eat. Also, you don’t see this as often because in more civilized areas of the world dog owners are expected to be responsible by cleaning up after their dogs. Doggie sanitation stands can be found in nearly every park you go to now providing an easy solution to your dog crap problems. If you ever want to see some come to my complex, they’re all around the sanitation stands.
Martin asks:
Are the views of the christian right christian?
Dear Martin,
WHOAH! Easy – you’re getting Ask DUNDERBRAIN! started with a bang. This is a big one to chew, ok – BREATHE – here we go…
A year ago I wrote a blog called “The Death of the Christian Right” right after Obama was elected. Everyone had their own hopes for the new change being issued in with a president boasting change. Now that I look back on it Obama was kinda like Santa to a lot of us. Everyone had this idea of what his presidency would bring. Some people just knew that it would mean the end of the ban on gay marriage. Others thought it meant they wouldn’t be poor anymore. Hell even some people believed it would be the end of the war on drugs. Personally I was hoping for the end of the religious right. Unfortunately as far as change goes, not much of it has happened that we as the public have been able to see besides the fact that we don’t have a self-rightious idiot in power anymore. I mean really, knowing George Bush Jr was drunk behind the wheel of our country was enough to keep me in a nice solid depression.
Something I have discovered over the past year, this being the first year I’ve been an adult conscious of adult issues without an oppressive president in power, is that the religious right still has power even if they aren’t directly in power. This happens all over the world and it goes far beyond Christianity, and in no part of the word does it seem to do any good. Seriously, the religious right-ers are like the guy at the party that walks around telling everyone the dangers of drinking and smoking while trying to take the beers out of their hands and spray a fire extinguisher into their face to put out their cigarettes and feel they’re completely justified in doing so, like it’s their right to do so. Then, when people finally get tired of it and kick their ass, they ball up on the floor screaming that they’re being prosecuted for being a christian.
In America the breakdown of religion goes like this: About 78% Are Christian, about 50% being protestant and the other 25% being catholic. Only about 1.7% are Jewish and a whopping .6% are Muslim. .7% Are Buddhist and .4% are hindu, and another few percent making up the strange little religions like ECKANKAR and the Raelians. The other 16% of us don’t really care. We have better things to do with our time but this isn’t good enough for the majority. Some people aren’t happy until absolutely everyone is the same and we’re this giant culture of borg-like entities.
So really the answer is no. No, the views of the Christian right aren’t christian, they have nothing to do with Christianity. They have everything to do with selfishness and power. Christianity is a beautiful religion based on love and respect for your fellow man, not backing the power of a group of individuals. Religion should be a way of life, a set of morals to live by not a method of oppressing any individuals or group of individuals.
Thanks Martin for sending in the UK’s favorite blogs from 2009! You’re like the DUNDERBRAIN! correspondent for the UK.
#5 Why is SEX just not enough?
#3 Does This Not Skeeve Anyone Else Out?
Chastity writes:
are mickey and minnie married? Cos minnie has her own house at disney land…why?
Dear Chastity,
No. Mickey Mouse and Minnie are not married, not have they ever been. There has never been an on-screen wedding or suggestion that there may one day be one. Neither one wears a ring, and in my humble opinion Mickey is a little light in the loafers, if you know what I mean. So with that being said, I have this suggestion for Minnie -
MOVE ON GIRL!
He’s obviously a homo and you’re wasting your time. Seriously, who the hell dates the same guy for EIGHTY EFFING YEARS??? How often does our poor Minnie sit at home staring out her window hoping that one day Mickey will snap out of his “phase” and propose? God knows Black Pete stopped barking up her tree half a century ago leaving no other suitors in her stable.
So what the ish is Disney’s deal? Do they have no consideration for their characters who, for all practical purposes they have made real? These are PEOPLE, anthropomorphic people that we have let into our homes for decades, can they not piss or get off the pot for any other reason than satisfying viewer curiosity? Even though we see her from time to time as a Disney Channel icon something tells me that securing Minnie’s romantic future is somewhat of a back burner item for the people of Disney since all this Pixar crap starting coming around.
