Saturn’s Return

17 Apr

Well hey there everybody! How in the screaming hell are you and how have you been? My last post here was 7 years ago.

Seven. Freaking. Years.

I’ve been going through and approving comments, checking old posts, laughing at how seriously some people took them… I really missed my blog!

So what have *I* been up to?

Well I’m glad you asked. I ditched Texas and moved to Colorado Springs! And to top it off, I’m now the Reverend of a Cannabis Church. Yeah, my life just got a LOT more interesting.

I do stand up a couple times a week.

I frequent cannabis clubs a lot.

Life is pretty grande.

So what’s up now? What’s the quandry? Why do we *need* DUNDERBRAIN?

Nobody needs DUNDERBRAIN. Nobody except for me at least. Basically everything I continued from this blog on is gone. But, this was my original home so to here I have return.

Now I tap away on my phone a new era of DUNDERBRAIN. Here, it continues….


Day 3 – Caloric Dive

2 Dec


Its midnight. I just cleaned my house without even really thinking about it. I actually got down and scrubbed a few stains in my carpet I’ve been meaning to get to. I was warned of this, and now it’s happening. I’m nesting, I’ve got the mind of a pregnant woman. My friend that hooked me up with my “crack” said that he would reorganize closets over and over for no good reason. So let me set this straight – hCG makes you lose weight, build lean muscle, develop a healthy relationship with food, AND it cleans your house for you? WHY THE HELL are they not handing this stuff out on street corners?

I’ve been absolutely amazed by the results I’m getting. I had so much energy at the gym this morning after having only one cup of green tea. I started getting hungry after I left the gym so I whipped up a batch of fat-friendly chilli. It was exactly the same as my famous packaged-spices “2 alarm chilli” just with tomato paste instead of tomato sauce and no masa flour. I divided it into 4 portions, froze three and ate one with a piece of Melba toast. I wasn’t stuffed but I was actually pleasantly full. I was full of energy the rest of the afternoon too, it was absolutely awesome.

I had a busy work day, about 3 hours worth of massage to give. Usually after a couple hours of work I start getting really hungry. Today I would feel waves of slight hunger but as soon as they’d come they’d go away and I wouldn’t feel hungry at all. I didn’t even have a snack between my two appointments. I grabbed a tiny little piece of Melba toast since I had to run to a friend’s house right after work and didn’t have time to eat and and it was actually satisfying.

I dragged Michael with me to visit my friends since its about a half hour drive. The friends we were going to see were my old roommates who live with her dad in his house. Little back story on the father-in-law: he’s bat shit crazy and likes the booze. To top it off he just had a pacemaker put in so I’m sure there were some pain pills in the mix there as well. I’ve known them all for years but Michael had only met the couple while I lived with them, he had never met the father-in-law Ed.

A little while in to our visit Ed gets up and heads to the bedroom. We were carrying on as usual when he left, I figured he went to bed because he had been slurring and starting half sentences that didn’t make any sense at all. A few minutes later he re-emerges with a plastic airsoft gun, basically like a BB gun but with “softer” pellets.

“Look what I bought my grandson,” His grandson is under 10yo mind you… he started waving the gun around and pointed it straight at me.

“Ed NO!” I yelled, kicking my foot in the air to block is line of sight. He then pointed it at Michael and actually shot him.

“Shit that stung!” He said rubbing his side shocked that this crazy bastard actually shot him. He pointed it back at me, my foot still in the and and he shot me from 6 feet in the back of my leg. GOL FREAKIN DARNIT that hurt. I felt the heat cover my body and head to my eyes. It was one of those stings that makes you want to cry immediately. I haven’t cried at a pain in over 20 years but I was just about to.

He sat the gun down and I took it away hiding it in the closet. He forgot about it for a while then asked for it back so he could go put it away. I figured ok, the fun’s over, he’s actually going to go put it away. I looked at the spot where he shot me and there was a big red bleeding welt. I was about to get a bandaid when he came back out of the bedroom, gun in hand and re-loaded, not put away.

“NO ED, ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY ANYMORE!” I yelled, throwing my other foot up this time when he aimed it at me again. After yelling over and over to put it away he started shooting again but missed us.

“Alright, time to go!” I said as I grabbed my keys and stood up, as I opened the front door he raised the gun again I grabbed Michael by the shirt and pulled him out the door with me. We booked it to the car and sped away, my friend and Ed coming outside surely to apologize but I didn’t care, the fun was over and I was ready to get the hell out of there.

Well I’m sure THAT burned a few calories! Michael and I jazzed about it most of the way home as he texted everyone he knew saying we had just been shot at. At this point I was actually starving. I grilled a 3.5 oz chicken breast and chopped up a cucumber and a tomato with some salt on the side. I looked at my tiny meal and couldn’t imagine how I was going to feel full but I was actually pretty stuffed – and to top it off it was DELICIOUS. I had a mouthgasm over the strawberries I ate for a snack, they were like candy! I think since your body is technically starving from the extreme low calorie intake everything you eat tastes a lot better because your body is telling you it needs more, which right now it doesn’t because there are about 2000 calories a day being released into my system.

I keep thinking that the diet isn’t going to work for me, there’s no way anyone can lose that quick, yadda yadda yadda but when I jumped on the scale I was 4 lbs lighter than I was 2 days ago, and two of those days were loading days so I’m really excited to see the results I’m going to get. I’m now setting a goal of 230lbs by the end of the program and a cap on it of 210lbs, so if I hit that I’m stopping the injections to avoid losing too much weight. I seriously doubt that will happen but I drop and put on weight pretty fast without hormonal assistance.

Now as I sit in a clean house I imagine the burger I’m going to have for lunch and the shrimp I’m having for dinner tomorrow. I need to find more creative ways to prepare the veggies because eating them by themselves is going to get old real quick…

Day 2 – Loading

29 Nov

I woke up this morning at 7am. I rolled out of bed, took a quick shower, shot my gut full of skinny juice and got dressed for the gym. The shot today was a lot easier than yesterday, even though I treated it like a simple task I still shook as soon as I smelled the alcohol pad.

I picked Michael up at 7:30. He’s been resistant to working out but he got up and did it. We bitched about it the whole way to the gym with “What the hell were we thinking?” and “Can’t we just go somewhere to eat instead?” As we discussed getting a refund on our gym memberships and going for some extravagant bacon and pancakes type of breakfast we pulled into the crowded parking lot and parked the car. This was it, no turning back.

 The gym we chose was really nice, there was a ton of equipment and despite the packed parking lot it didn’t seem extremely busy. We familiarized ourselves with the facilities and got ready for our workout. We decided to just start out with cardio since it was our first day so we each took a bike and started our workout. After about 15 minutes we changed to the stair machine and finished out another 15 minutes so we managed to crank out a full half our on our first day. Somebody polish up the gold medals!

 Breakfast was a giant feast of eggs, hash browns, bacon, and pancakes. For lunch I had 8 chicken strips from my favorite chicken place and had to lay down for a while as the grease coursed through my veins. I can tell the hormones are kicking up though because eating my last meal of a giant burger and onion rings was nearly impossible. I managed to get a little bit of each of my favorite disgusting foods over the past 2 days, it was like paying homage to dear friends and I departed for the land beyond the sea.

 After work I stocked up on my groceries for the next week, a bunch of raw vegetables and lean meats. I’m so nervous about starting this diet I don’t know how I’m going to be able to sleep tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to survive on the food I just bought. I’m not a huge fan of veggies and that’s going to be most of what I eat over the next 3 weeks. Thank god my body’s going to be releasing 2000 calories a day for me to survive on! I’m going to need new activities to distract my mind from the joys that are food. Even as I sit here writing this its like I can’t even think about food. I have more than half a PEANUTBUTTER PIE in my fridge and I can’t even dream of eating it. This might turn out to be kinda cool!

 Tomorrow I’ll wake up and have a cup of tea. That’s breakfast. I can eat a handfull of strawberries for a mid-morning snack then lunch is going to be a chicken breast salad – WITHOUT dressing. Not even fat free anything. Maybe a little salt and pepper and orange juice. I’ve gotta admit I’m absolutely scared shitless about getting hungry. What happens WHEN I get hungry? I made a commitment to myself to start this, I’ve made an investment in it, people are watching me do it and my wilpower is CRAP – BUT I CAN’T GIVE UP. This is an obligation to a project and I HAVE to see it through. Suddenly three weeks really seems like a long time. All I can do is have faith that I can endure. People have survived off a lot less for a lot longer without the aid of radical hormones grown from stem cells in a lab somewhere. Or however the Chinese make them. Two days down, twenty one more to go…

Day 1 – Loading

28 Nov

257.4 lbs

So today is my first day of hCG hormone injections. I’ve been anticipating this project a lot, I hear its something you really have to psych yourself up for so I’ve been reading online about the diet, long term and short term benefits, side effects, meal plans, pretty much anything I can get my eyes on about it. It sounds like the perfect plan for me and my lifestyle, plus you only do it for THREE WEEKS. About a month ago I looked in the mirror at the loosing battle of bad diet and age that was staring back at me and decided I HAD to do something, NOW.

A year ago a friend of mine started ordering bootleg hCG from a reliable pharmacy in China and lost 80lbs in a couple months on it. He’s 50 and looks AMAZING now, his body made a total transformation at a point in a man’s life when body changes become really hard to make. Its not that he looked bad before, he’s always been a handsome man but now his body really fits him. I asked him to order me a batch with his next shipment a month ago and it just came in today. I drove out to his house to pick it up earlier and he met me at the car. “Oh my god Justin!” he said as he poked at the double chin forming under my regular chin. Yeah, he’s known me long enough to do that. He’s seen my little muffin top pop out of the pan and rise to a full loaf of bread. He knew me back when my ass was still small.

I’ve always been a pretty fit individual, not fit as much as skinny. I really haven’t ever been FIT fit, even when I was anorexic and 160lbs I still had no muscle tone and had fatty deposits in places they shouldn’t be. A couple years ago my body changed from a cute young twinky boy to a man. A very tall man at that with fat in places that doesn’t look cute at all. At first my bony little butt got a little bigger and it looked AWESOME. For the first time in my life I had an ass and I loved it. Now the ass has started to creep north and my once bangin booty now feels like hefty haunches.

Another area that really improved through my man-change was my chest. I was always wimpy chested but suddenly I had a little something going on there. It was great, there was now definition separating the right from left instead of looking like two pepperonis on a surf board. Then, last year the definition began to thicken and sag. My cute little pooch of a tummy began to swell, and lumps started popping up above my hips. My inner things touch and when I walk around too much on a hot day they chafe. And to top it all off, when I flex my ass cheeks little dimples spring up all over it. Yes, I’m 30, I’m a man, and my ass has cellulite.

At first I thought my bathroom mirror must be possessed by a demon. It looked like I slipped through my tube on the Guadalupe and it got stuck on my man-boobs around my waist. BYECH! I said to myself, “what the HELL happened to me? Where did the cute me go? Did that beast in the mirror eat him? How do I get him back?”

So I started walking every morning. I downloaded an app on my phone to track my calorie intake. I stuck to a calorie limit and watched what I ate, I did that for 3 weeks and I lost 15lbs! It was great! Then one day after a long walk I came home, puked up all the water I drank on my walk and slept the rest of the morning. I decided I had overdone it and needed to take a break. That was about 5 months ago and since then I’ve eaten everything under the sun that I can find.

Its been a self-destructive downward spiral of pancakes, fried chicken, and booze. Lots and lots of booze. I read on a website that one of the major foods to avoid to burn belly fat is pancakes and suddenly I craved pancakes. Within an hour of reading about that I had woken up my neighbor Michael and we were at the local coffee shop eating a giant stack of pancakes. I really feel sorry for the guy, I’ve totally taken him down this dark path with me. Luckily for him the rest of the time he eats like a bird so he can backpedal pretty easily. Yesterday the two of us got gym memberships and are starting tomorrow morning so I’m gonna do my part to help correct the metabolic mistakes we both have made.

The thing I’ve been the most worried about with the hCG program is the actual injection. I HATE needes, my ears were both pierced with 6 gauge needles but I didn’t have to look at that. I have “blood taken” once a year and I can’t even watch the nurse do it, and now I’m supposed to give myself injections EVERY DAY for the next 3 weeks? WTF?

I figured I’m a big boy. I can really do anything I put my mind to. And skinny feels good enough to cancel out the pain of any tiny little needle. After I picked up my drugs I mixed them up, got the needle ready, and rubbed my fat tummy down with an alcohol pad. GAWL DARN the alcohol pad. There’s something about that smell that’s different from rubbing alcohol from a bottle. It brings back memories from childhood, being pinned down to the chair in the doctor’s office, waiting for that pain to come and that tingle fills your nostril that just makes you want to start crying. Its like THAT is when the actual shot starts, even though the injection is in and out in a couple seconds. I took a deep breath, steadied my trembling hand and gently pressed the needle to my skin. Once it was in I pressed down on the plunger and pulled out the needle. Voila! Done!

Today and tomorrow are my “loading days” aka “eat everything in your way because you ain’t eatin SHIT for the next 3 weeks” days. For breakfast was biscuits and gravy with butter in everything, lunch was Krystal Burger, now for dinner I’m making Farfalli Alfredo with hot sausage and half a stick of butter in the sauce. At some point I’m going to the store to purchase a whole cheesecake to be eaten by moi. I’m really looking forward to this whole transformation, lets see how it goes!!!

My stats: Height: 6’8”

Weight: 257.4

Gut: 44

Waist: 43

Hips: 47

Chest: 45

Thighs 25

Go Trek Yourself

7 Aug

Its sunday. First week of August amidst one of the hottest, slowest summers I’ve had in a long time. I’ve been a giant ball of fat all weekend, not accomplishing anything productive besides about an hour’s work and a few margaritas. I looked at my empty appointment book, then looked to my laptop…… and try to find something to occupy my time.

And its not like I have absolutely nothing to do. My house is a wreck. Both my dogs stink. I have writing to do. But its going to be 106° today and the cold hearted snake in me just wants to turn into a puddle of goo in front of the TV and watch something mindless on Netflix. I scrolled through the new releases and under the TV section I saw it: Star Trek Voyager the complete MOTHER TRUCKING SERIES! At that point I knew my day was over.

I jumped right into Season 5 which started out with the crew of the Voyager crossing some vast expanse without any stars or aliens. The crew is bored because there’s nothing to do, everybody’s getting on each other’s nerves, and all I can think about is “why the hell are these people still wearing their uniforms? Heck, why are they still wearing clothes???”

They’re not going anywhere ANYTIME soon, they can’t even talk to the rest of Starfleet, I think if I were captain I would have said “Srew it, I’m putting on shorts. Oh and we can drink real booze now also.” They’re so freakin smug too, flying around the galaxy like “Oh look at us, we don’t have to but we’re still being good and following the rules” well EFF THAT. If I got tossed to the other side of the galaxy I’d be burning my uniform quicker than the wormhole gets you to the Gamma Quadrant.

I guess that arises the question of authority, are you in Starfleet because you want to be or because you have to be? I’m not a very “Rulesy” type of person, the whole uniform thing gets on my nerves much less in space. I think if I were some kind of space traveler I’d be like Barbarella. I’d fly around the galaxy in some plush fluffy starship shaped like a penis and listen to groovy music naked as a jay bird with the gravity turned OFF.

It would be amazing. I can only imagine what zero gravity body shot parties would be like, I’d have flying foam parties every weekend in the cargo bay. I mean come the eff on, you’re in SPACE. Rules are so “Earthling”. I say as soon as we break out of the atmosphere all rules go out the door. Its like international waters, anything goes!

What the holy SH!T man???

14 Jul

Unfortunately, the world isn’t controlled by the DVR. Occasionally I have to watch commercials and I always get so freaked out by the drug comercials. The one with the guy carrying around the vat of uric acid always makes me gag, I really don’t care to think about people’s uric acid. This new ad for Abilify totally blew my mind though.  I really can’t tell if its trying to promote or discourage the use of this drug, but after watching this I don’t want anything to do with it at all!

NYUUCHH!!! NO SIR!!! Why the HELL would anybody put something like this in their body after watching this commercial? Sure you might be flopping around on the floor, forehead on fire with fever unable to move any of your rigid spasming muscles but you’re happy! I guess I’d be in control of my depression too if I were paralyzed on the floor with green fluids gushing from every hole in my body.

The thing that concerns me is this HAS to be some kind of last resort drug, like the kind doctors give to patients who have no hope left in the world not tote around in every commercial slot during daytime tv!

I swear some people treat prescriptions like Pokemon cards, they go to these crackpot doctors and find all the really obscure drugs then show them off to all their other crazy friends in the Cat Clubs and at Hobby Lobby and Michaels when they stalk the craft aisles for new blocks of wood to paint, or little plastic plaster of paris molds for the crude ornaments they send everyone they know for Christmas.

This video seems to be a little more my speed:

With this being said, even having pot on you is punishable with jail time but Abilify CAN KILL YOU and they’re selling it on TV.

4 Mar

Picture it: it’s cold outside. So cold that your car says it’s cold outside. What’s more important than paying attention to poor road conditions while going 55mph? Taking a picture of your car’s thermometer so all your friends know it’s cold outside too…

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