In the history of all office birthday parties, the last that I was subjected to had to be, by far, the most awkward. This past Friday one of the telemarketers in my office had a birthday, and she had mentioned earlier in the week that she didn’t celebrate it. Now when I hear “I don’t celebrate my birthday” I take it for what it is, the person isn’t as infatuated with birthdays as most of the population is.
I happen to be one of these people myself.
Needless to say I understood but the other Ladies in the office decided that we needed to throw her a party. It HAD to happen. We had all heard her stories about her asshole of an ex husband so the popular gossip paradigm of the week was nobody had done anything for the poor girl’s birthday for years.
So the planning commenced. Papers were passed around the room to see who would bring what, who was bringing the sodas, who was bringing the cookies… you get the drift. Anyway, the day before she had seemed quite ill so I suspected that she would be calling in the next day, if for no other reason she suspected suspicious activity…and low and behold she did call in, but instead of her being sick herself it was her daughter she needed to take to the doctor.
Of course I figure the party is postponed. Why are we going to have a SURPRISE party for someone that isn’t even there? I don’t bother with bringing my cupcakes, I don’t even really put a second thought to the little office birthday party.
As soon as I get out of my car several of the phone ladies run up asking where my party item is…
Apparently she had un-called-in. So in an effort to not seem like a total cheap douche I run up the road to Kroger and grab a little cake thing and chips and whatnot.
So this little office party has now turned into a big deal. Every employee was there waiting when she finally pulled up.
We hid behind cubicles.
She walked through the door with her 4 year old daughter who we had convinced her to bring to work with her…
And we all jumped out and yelled SURPRISE!
The little girl screamed and hid behind the fax machine. The birthday girl was very shy and awkward, and once things had settled down a little, she let us know why she didn’t celebrate her birthday.
JEHOVAH FUCKING WITNESS.
The record stopped and everyone got that awkward feeling in their pants where they want nothing more than to run as far away from the situation as possible. So I did. Prime opportunity to take my lunch. I ran to my car and before the engine could turn over my finger cramped from thumbing through my phone’s contact list trying to decide which friend would appreciate that story the most FIRST because it HAD to be told.
The girl stayed her whole shift with her sick daughter in tow. At first she was scared as hell, like “why are these people yelling at mommy on her birthday?!” But after that she began running up to her mom saying “happy birthday” and I could only imagine what that started…