Dogs Offended…

30 Nov

Skrappi and Toeboe a year ago.

Skrappi and Toeboe a year ago.

Dogs, even though they roll around in poop and chew on their asses for hours on end, really don’t like it when humans are weird.  They always have some kind of reaction when we do things like sneeze or dance or even sing to them.  Sometimes they get excited, sometimes they get worried, but there’s always a reaction none the less.

The big junkyard dog that lives with me, Junior, doesn’t like it when I take naps.  If I sleep during the day he will jump up on my bed and just stare at me like he’s checking to see if I’m still breathing.  Both of my roommates have seen him do it, and I’ve woken up many times with this huge dog hovering over me – and you can truly see the concern in his eyes.  He’s such a sweet dog too, I think if he were a human he would be a real hood latino guy that had been in jail a few times and has tear drops on his cheeks, but he found god in jail so he goes around to schools talking to kids now.

My oldest dog, Skrappy, gets totally excited when I do weird things.  He dances around and gets real excited, then rolls on my feet.  Skrappy isn’t a normal dog, he doesn’t play normal games with the other dogs, he plays games of the mind.  When other dogs are around he gathers all of his toys and puts them in a pile, then lays down right in front of them and growls at the other dogs if they try and get one.  After a while he will have all the other dogs sitting patiently around him waiting for permission to get a toy which he never gives.  When I feed them, he will sit by his bowl and growls at my other dog Duke.  He doesn’t start eating right away but he growls none the less and Duke totally wusses out to him too.

Duke on the other hand gets super worried anytime I’m weird.  I like to sing to him a lot and when I do his eyes get huge and he wags his stumpy little cocker spaniel tail really low.  If I don’t sing well enough he starts whining.  If you blow in his face he gets truly offended, and if you make any kind of biting action towards him he gets pissed.  He’ll whine and make this weird baby growl noise that he doesn’t normally make.  I really try not to offend him because I always have to baby him for like an hour afterwards when I do otherwise he goes and hides in the bathtub for the rest of the day.

The last dog in the house is Retard Fred, and I don’t think he pays enough attention to notice when humans are being weird, no matter what you do he wants to bite your face.  Retard Fred is a lab/mastiff mix and is the largest dog I’ve ever spent any amount of time around, he’s also the most timid and skiddish dog.  When people come over he howls then runs to the closet in the back of the house.

One day I woke up, and I was in that half-and-half place where you’re not quite awake and you’re not quite asleep.  I noticed something – or someone rather – was laying on top of me.  At first I thought I was having an Old Hag attack but then I realized no, there was actually someone laying on me.  I had no idea who it was or what I had done the previous night, I had no recollection whatsoever.

Did I get really drunk?  Did I bring someone home?  I wouldn’t have brought someone to my home, was I at someone else’s home?  At that point I was really freaked out, who the hell was laying on me?  I halfway didn’t want to open my eyes, I was afraid of what my drunk ass had brought home.  Finally I opened my eyes and came to full consciousness and who was laying on me?

RETARD FRED.

I pushed the huge 120lb dog off of me and stood up.  It was 4pm and I hadn’t been drunk at all, I had just dozed off for a nap.  I was totally sober and felt stupid.  The dog’s so huge but thinks he’s a lap dog; he never hesitates to climb on you no matter where you’re sitting.

No matter how weird they are it’s not weird to them, just we are.  And really, when the animals outnumber the humans I guess they kinda have title.  They protect us, I’d really feel bad for anyone who tried to enter the premises uninvited or try and attack either myself or my roommates.  No matter how weird they think we are they still got our backs, yo.

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