The Dangers of Butt Bleaching

26 Jan

Has anyone else noticed that people are never satisfied with their current methods of fixing their broken self esteem? Now, in 2009, the hottest trend in spas around the country is anal bleaching. That’s right, bleaching your asshole. It’s a process in which the pigment around your sphincter is lightened to get that clean, flawless, porn star look. You know, so your ass doesn’t end up looking like a Chow tongue.

Apparently the chemical in the product used to bleach your brown beauty is called hydroquinone and is the same stuff they use in hair bleaching… and the rubber industry oddly… The rubber industry??? I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t want ANYTHING applied on my doodie ditcher that is used in the manufacturing of Goodyears. Needless to say there seem to be mixed opinions on the safety of it. If you ask someone on the clinical side they ASSURE you that it’s 100% safe but many health professionals have a drastically different opinion.

This is the sketchy part, I can’t find a website that gives a straight answer on the side effects. One website (which just happened to be advertising the product) says that it’s perfectly safe and somehow increases yours and your partner’s testosterone (because obviously only gay men and whores would get this procedure) and the next website I found said that winky whitening could cause incontinence and eventual permanent splotching of the skin. So you turn your brown eye into a Chow tongue by trying to keep it from looking like a Chow tongue, and on top of that you can’t hold your poo. Riiiiiiiiiight.

So is a pearly white asshole really worth sacrificing poo control? What is so important about having your genitalia look like a porn star? I think the source of the whole skidaddle has 100% to do with people trying to disguise the fact and perpetuate the popular belief that NOTHING really comes out of your butt. Poo just magically appears in the sewers but never really comes out of anyone’s butt. Even though melanin – not poo – causes your manhole to get darker it’s still a painful reminder to some that yes, indeed, their partners poo out their butt.

Sure it’s kind of a gross subject but it’s true, people are so uncomfortable with the fact that their body disposes of the waste it consumes that they will risk having to wear a shit bag someday to make it whiter. But then again we once said “who the hell would inject BOCHOLISM into their skin to make themselves look younger?” Now look at Laura Bush.

In a few years Crest will be making strips for it.

3 Responses to “The Dangers of Butt Bleaching”

  1. Martin 26 January, 2009 at 12:46 pm #

    You’ve got it all in America haven’t you!
    Did this new fashion happen to start in LA, perchance?

    I figure that with the lights out, who’s going to know?

    Hope you’re well.

  2. Martin 26 January, 2009 at 12:47 pm #

    ps – are you sure about the link from your myspace blog??

  3. Justin Thyme 26 January, 2009 at 2:15 pm #

    Yeah the trend definitely started somewhere on the west coast, and my money’s on LA too. People like to have sex with the lights on there.

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