Match.com

8 Aug

It’s been a lonely summer, being in what has to be one of the most remote locations in the united states…  which I’m sure you could tell from my last post.  Beyond that I haven’t had a “meaningful” relationship in nearly two years.  So whats a boy as relentlessly picky as myself to do?  

After talking to a few people around camp I decided my new strategy would be to get my menfolk the same way I get my shoes – order them online.  One girl here used eharmony.com, the homophobic hetero-oriented nazi establishment that doesn’t take “my kind”.  Two other people suggested match.com which IS homo-friendly, and my sister recommended plentyoffish.com – which to me vaguely sounds like a lesbian hook-up site.

So I tried the latter two.  Match.com (of course) requires payment for their services and if I am nothing, I am cheap so I got the free membership.  Plentyoffish.com is FREE but pretty ghetto, and I recognized most of the guys from good ol gay.com so I wasn’t too impressed.  With the match.com free membership you can “wink” at people for free but you have to pay the $34.99 membership fee (it *does* get cheaper if you pay for several months at a time) but again, if I am nothing, I am cheap.

Now just about every day I get emails from match.com with people they have hand picked to be compatible with me.  I have seriously never seen a bigger list of losers in my entire life.  Every now and then they’re throw someone in that’s halfway attractive, but I guess the corporate mentality of a website like that is “beggars can’t be chosers” but I’m not a beggar.  I’m hot freakin shit.  I’m just lazy hot freakin shit.

I think courting needs to be completely renovated.  In my perfect world there would be an application you fill out, background checks and reference letters.

This is my problem – I expect “the one” to be more perfect than myself, but if I met that person I would deem myself unworthy.  I find little flaws in everyone then can’t get past them.  Prime example – I was crushin on this guy for a while.  He’s ADORABLE, flirty, fun… then one day I see him in a white undershirt.  We chit chat for a while then he lifts up his arm to scratch his head and he had the most horrendous pit stains.  Sure, everyone sweats, I’ve even seen a few pics of myself where I’m like “holy pit stain batman, get the effin photoshop pronto!” but this guy’s pit stains were GREEN.  How the eff does someone accomplish GREEN pit stains?  I don’t know a deoderant on the market that is dyed heavily enough to leave a COLORED pit stain.

Needless to say I was very turned off and lost my little crush.  Fingernails bother me too.  If the guy has gnarly toes that’s a turn off.  Uncontrollable body hair is a big no-no too, I mean manscaping isn’t that huge of a chore.  There are people who have devoted their entire careers to it just waiting to do it for you if you can’t manage to groom yourself properly.

It’s been a week and I’m done with the dating sites.  The only reason I haven’t canceled my free match.com membership is looking at the douches they try to set me up with everyday is hilarious, and I can always tell myself “at least I’m not stuck with THAT GUY”.

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One Response to “Match.com”

  1. Martin 9 August, 2009 at 2:56 am #

    A very entertaining read Mr Thyme.
    Keep up the standards! (you don’t apply these standards to everyone you meet do you? – I don’t have pit stains, but, er….)
    Good luck with the search – If I spot anybody suitable, I’ll send the your way.
    Mx

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