Last week I posted a blog about my internet dating experience and what a crapchute the websites I’ve tried are. Match.com is a scam, I swear there’s no real matching involved at all because I recognized people they’ve tried to set me up with and believe me when I say they WOULDN’T be a good match. Eharmony is a bunch of bigoted nazis (which, by the by, has now created a site called “compatible partners” which just screams memories of the “Lowered Expectations” skit from MADtv…). I thought PlentyOfFish.com might pan out to be interesting since it’s not some huge corporate giant waiting so suck the life out of the credit card I steal to pay for it but I was wrong about that too.
I met a cute boy and exchanged a few emails through the site. After about a week or so of doing that we got a little more serious and became facebook friends. We had continued to message back and forth every couple days, he was pretty cute and I found him decently interesting.
And then I saw the show stopper.
Before I drop this bomb on you keep in mind that I love reasonable body art. Tattoos are hot. Classy piercings positioned correctly and not overdone can be hot, I’ve got 4 gauge talons in each ear lobe and a 14 gauge in my cartilage myself. I hate asymmetry when it comes to piercings like the off-center lip thing; surface piercings and dermal anchors are a bit of a turn off as well but this was nothing like that. This was a giant tattoo.
Across his entire upper back region.
OF BRITNEY FUCKING SPEARS.
With her name and the lyrics to one of her new songs next to it – and it really doesn’t even look like Britney Spears at all, I think the artist played a trick on this poor kid and put Farah Faucett on there instead. I mean, wouldn’t you? It’s on his back so he’ll never see it, and anyone who sees it is going to laugh their asses off anyway. There’s no way someone close to him would say “that piece of shit looks like shit” because the poor douche has to live with it for the REST OF HIS LIFE.
What kind of person does that anyway? It was huge, not exactly something you get while drunk and retarded, that’s a sober and retarded thing to do. My little thumb ring tattoo was a drunken idea, this Britney Spears situation was a sober decision. It had to be something he actually thought out and set quite a bit of cash aside for.
Which brings me to the question – what would I have done if I didn’t look at all his facebook pics first and actually had to encounter that desecration to the temple for the first time in person? I would have had to leave. Well, take a pic with my camera phone first and sit in my car for a bit sending out mass text messages with the pic attatched – and then leave.