Yup, that’s right kids. The DUNDERBRAIN got DUNDERDUMPED. I won’t go into the sappy details of it any further than instead of coffee this morning I got the feared “we need to talk… alone” email. Really, what else could that mean? So I let myself feel for approximately 15 minutes then I went back to my usual routine of clubbing baby seals and eating little girls alive.
After that, breaking up sucks on your social life. When you’re a couple you start doing couple things, making appearances together, taking pictures together, commenting on each other’s social networks, all that crap that makes single people nauseated. I sooooo wish I had a personal assistant or a publicist to handle this shit for me, it would be so much easier if I could just turn off my phone and crawl into a hole.
But no, first off the facebook relationship status has to be changed. It makes it so much easier to rip the bandaid off right away while the mascara is still dripping down your face than to wait days after, or even worse – wait for THEM to do it. Nothing drills a stake into your heart more than seeing the person that just dumped you on your news feed as “now single”.
Then the txt’s, emails, instant messages, etc etc etc start flowing in. “Are you ok?” “What happened?” Your mother wants to talk to you. People from high school hope you’re ok. It would be so much easier if my publicist could hold a press conference and tell the star, the globe, the enquirer, all those minds that want to know this:
PUBLIC STATEMENT – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DUNDERBRAIN! is ok, they had creative differences and have decided to pursue other endeavors. The breakup was amicable and the rumors of him sleeping with Tiger Woods was a desperate shot from Perez Hilton at defaming the DUNDERBRAIN! name. Charges have been pressed and WILL.I.AM has already offered to kick his ass for it. The DUNDERBRAIN! camp is exploring all options at this time. Thank you for your concern, operations have already resumed as usual.
The DUNDERBRAIN! camp.
Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Until then I’m going to watch some sappy movies, drink myself into a coma, and trash on Adam Lambert until the pain goes away.