As I try to make my way to the ordinary world…

18 Dec

I usually try to stay away from touching, soft subjects on DUNDERBRAIN, for no other reason than that isn’t what the DUNDERBRAIN is about.  However things can’t always be cynical and sarcastic, or fabulous and funny.  Sometimes they’re just real.

Something real that I’ve had to come to terms with in the past couple days is my life isn’t ordinary.  I’ve never been the average, run of the mill Joe and I’m happy with that.  However recently I met someone that was.  My friend told me that if I want to find a love that’s satisfying I’m going to have to get myself a good man and and leave the “juvenile delinquent” type that I’m so accustomed to alone.

So I found myself a good man, and MAN was this man amazing.  He had a good job.  He had a car.  He treated me like a price and I was on cloud 9.  I didn’t want to do the whole “I love you” thing but he swept me off my feet and made me feel like it was ok, for the first time in a long time, to fall.  So I did, and I fell hard.

This dude was everything I wanted in another person, but more than anything he was stable.  I could take a huge breath when I was around him – it wasn’t like the babysitting I had to do with the train wreck I almost married, and it wasn’t the constant worry of infidelity that I experienced with the jerk before him.  I had never really experienced a decent guy, someone that treated me as well as I treated him.

But, as my dear friend Nelly Furtado says, all good things come to an end.  And it did.  It hit me like a ton of bricks so I got pretty pissed, I wrote him an email voicing all my confusion and frustration and within a day he wrote me back.  He wasn’t an ass at all, he wasn’t rude.  In many ways I wish he would have been so it would made this break easier but he’s the same, genuine person he always was.

He explained that he didn’t want to break up because I’m an asshole, because I light my farts on fire, because I leave beard on his sink when I shave at his house – it was the one thing that hurt the most: I’m not ordinary.  The problem with good, stable guys is they like good, stable guys which I’m not.  I’m a huckalero, I work a couple hours a day for the few months I’m in town and for the rest of the year I’m in California, New York, who knows where else… I’m not a sit still type personality.  My life doesn’t fit into a cubicle and it never will.  It didn’t hurt because he insulted me, it had nothing to do with him at all.  It hurt because I had to admit to myself that I would never lead a normal life.

So many times I’ve thought about how wonderful life would be if I could just be ordinary.  When I was a kid I thought life would be easier if I were straight, now I wounder if life would be easier if I had a degree and normal colored hair.  Would it be easier if every morning, monday through friday I got out of bed and fought traffic to work, sat in an office for 8 hours with a short lunch break in the middle, then came home to watch Tyra and Roseanne on DVR?  Would that make me happy, would I be satisfied?  What if I lived like my parents instead of like my parents are out of town for the weekend?

I’ll never know because it’s impossible.  I’m like a Lynyrd Skynyrd song.  I may as well buy a Harley and a leather jacket with “lone wolf” airbrushed on the back.  I’ve always thought that I’m better when I have a partner but I’m really starting to think I work better alone.  It took falling in love with normalcy to show me that I am light years beyond normal and I will never be happy with it.

So now that that’s over the functionality at DUNDERBRAIN will now return to normal.  POOP!

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