Avatarded. (No spoilers, there’s nothing to spoil.)

23 Dec

Last night I bought into the hype and saw James Cameron’s “epic movie” Avatar.  I had never seen a 3D movie so I was pretty jazzed about it – but is ANYBODY surprised that I was disappointed?  It’s ok you can read on, there aren’t any spoilers.  There’s nothing TO spoil, this was about the most predictable, thinly-laid plot I’ve ever spent 2.5 hours waiting to play out.

3D is cool for like half an hour or so but he picture had more depth than the actual movie.  At 45 minutes in I was checking my watch.  I figured it couldn’t be that long of a movie, so I hung in there but after two and a half hours of crap flying out at me I was ready to leave this weird 3D world and go back to where things are really 3D.

OK so journey back with me to 1992.  Colors were neon.  Prince was popular still.  And there was a cute little movie called Fern Gully about a man that changed into a fairy to save the forest from destruction.  The little fairies had a deep connection to the forest and crap.  Now skip ahead to 1993 to a movie called Schindler’s List.  Now watch the two together and BOOM you’ve already seen Avatar.

What it boils down to is this movie was GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.  Being a proper homosexual myself I hate it when kids use this term but I really can’t think of another word to describe this… epic.  After you get past the big blue aliens with little boobs and the rope light trees there isn’t much left.  It was epically long.  It was epically GAY.  It was epically AVATARDED.

3 Responses to “Avatarded. (No spoilers, there’s nothing to spoil.)”

  1. Marvo 24 December, 2009 at 6:29 pm #

    Thank you! That’s saved me £5 or so, and 2,5 hours of my life. At least you had a nice sit down…

  2. Quid Pro Gnome 19 January, 2010 at 11:59 am #

    Well said. After the fluorescent lily pads, ponytail intercourse, and as soon as the floaty mountains came in, our section of the theatre was one of uncomfortable twitches and outright laughter. It’s unbelievable how low standards have fallen that a guy can sink a quarter billion on such a project, not come up with the lost volumes of Shakespeare, and still turn a profit by interjecting some loose pseudo-allegory.

  3. Jt DUNDERBRAIN! 23 January, 2010 at 12:08 pm #

    soooooo true, but i think there’s gotta be something I’m missing. everyone I talk to loved it and thought it was a magical movie but I couldn’t stop laughing about the guy’s skinny little legs.

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