Yes DUNDERCATS, it’s Christmas again. It’s time for Uncle Robert to get drunk and cop a feel on his brother’s wife, time for mother to have a breakdown because the stuffing burned, and time for father to get fed up with this family’s crap and finally take initiative to LEAVE. Isn’t that the way it goes for most families?
So amidst the millions of “merry christmas” text messages and pile-ups outside every shopping center in the land, we got SNOW here in Texas last night. EFFING SNOW. So now I’m stuck at home until Old Man Winter DIES and I can head out to my mom’s house. But check THIS out that happened to me last night –
So my roommate left for New York, he used the secret and found a flight out. Before he left I was being all grinchy so jokingly he told me “you better watch out mister, tonight you’re going to be visited by three ghosts, and each will show you the true meaning of the christmas spirit.” I said “whatever, you’re a Jew.” Because he is! He doesn’t celebrate christmas! So I bit him a safe journey and curled back up on the couch.
As he left I ordered pizza. I settled into watching Uncle Buck on TV and waited for the delivery boy that I made drive in the ice and snow. Finally a knock came at the door which I answered. I paid for my pizza and the delivery boy grabbed my arm and said “I am the ghost of christmas past! Come with me, I must show you what you’ve forgotten!” So I said what the hell, if he wasn’t telling the truth at least maybe I’d get a good time out of it. So I got my sweater and we headed out.
Next thing I knew I was looking down on an 8 year old version of me sleeping in his bed. I remembered the room, the house, the long hallway that led to the living room. It was christmas eve. He/I began to stir with the excitement of seeing what Santa had brought me. I watched myself jump out of bed and carefully walk down the hall but I noticed the clock – it was 11pm. I remembered this – I ran after myself yelling for him to stop but the ghost said “He can’t hear you.”
As I rounded the corner to the living room little Justin was already standing there, devastated. My mother was sitting in the middle of the floor setting up my brand new Nintendo… that santa was supposed to bring me. The rest of my family were sitting around the living room watching in shock. I was witnessing the murder of Santa Clause.
My mom quickly came up with “Santa came, and he was in a huge hurry. He asked me if I would set it up for you.” Then my grandmother behind her said “And he gobbled down the cookies you left” but the crumbs were still in her moustache.
“Why the hell are you showing this to me?” I asked the ghost.
“I’m here to show you christmas past.” He said, confused.
“This is CRAP, what kind of puppy kill bullshit show are you running here?” He could see that I wasn’t very happy with him so he returned me back to my apartment where I opened a bottle of wine and sat down to eat my pizza.
A few minutes later a crash came from my bathroom. I jumped up and ran in to see what was going on and standing there, in front of a drafty mess in my bedroom where he had destroyed the window when he came in, allowing wind and snow to pour into the dwelling.
“HO HO HO!” He exclaimed with jolliness, “I am the ghost of christmas present.
“What the hell did you do that for, I’ve got a front door!” I yelled as my dogs barked up a storm.
“Never mind that, come with me! I have someone you once loved to show you, someone you lost years ago.” Great, what a joy. I get to go see what kind of fun other people are having.
Now we cutscened to a little apartment I had never seen before. I didn’t know why he had brought me here, I had never been here before. I walked into the living room of the place and saw my ex and his new boyfriend sitting on their couch smoking crack. My ex was building some dinky little thing out of tin foil as his new beau ground his teeth and flipped through the channels.
“This is the one you left to be alone, destined to roam the earth a single individual person.” The ghost said to me.
“Yeah, and he’s smoking CRACK. Why the hell would this make me feel any different about any situation?” I looked at him disgusted.
“Well don’t you still love him?”
“I could give a FUCK about him! That fool made my life hell for way too long, why the hell would I still love him?” He was confused at my statement.
“Well I give up. This is bullcrap. Christmas Future can deal with you, I haven’t got shit else to say.” And the apartment disappeared leaving me back in my bedroom with the window repaired. Completely frustrated with the disturbance to my peaceful evening I walked back into the living room and turned on the TV.
It didn’t turn on.
I flipped it a couple more times until a deathly cold breeze hit me in the back. I turned and the sliding glass door of my balcony was wide open and a dark figure stood in the threshold.
“Holy crap, let me guess, ghost of christmas future.” He nodded as I said it. “I suppose you want me to come with you too.” He extended a cold, black hand to me so yeah, I fallowed him.
Suddenly I was standing outside of a retirement trailer park in Phoenix AZ. The ghost was gone and I was now by myself. I started walking down the street, each trailer looking generally the same until I came to a single wide painted pitch black. What an odd color for any house I thought as I walked about 2 feet onto the overgrown yard.
BAM suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my thigh. WHAT THE HELL! I yelled, looking around me. Suddenly another sharp pain in my other thigh.
“I’ll give you five seconds to get off my GODDAMN LAWN before I get out the real thing, you son of a bitch!” Standing on the front porch of the black trailer was me. A really, really old me. I jumped back and apologized, he glared at me still before slinking back into the shadows. Crap, I had turned into a pissed off old man.
I blinked my eyes and I was back in my lonely apartment with the ghost.
“Has anything you’ve seen tonight convinced you to change your ways, giving back to you the true meaning of christmas?” The room was quiet, I got sentimental. And I answered him.
“HELL no. Santa isn’t real, my ex is a crack head, and I should have stayed off that old man’s lawn! Can I help you with anything else you creepy bastard?” He was shocked. “Now get out! GET OUT!” I shoved him, he was confused, I pushed him out the door slamming it shut. I opened it a sliver one last time and yelled “AND TELL THOSE OTHER GODDAMN GHOSTS TO STAY OFF MY LAWN!” And then I went to bed.
So see kids, it wasn’t a boring christmas eve for me either. Now if the roads would thaw I’ll be heading to my mom’s.