Oh the things that go through an insomniac’s brain…

2 Apr

As I’m sure you’ve gathered already sleep doesn’t come easily for the DUNDERBRAIN.  As soon as one of my personalities falls asleep another wakes up sometimes and then there’s no hope for sleep.  As with many insomniacs when I try to sleep often I get little songs stuck in my head or images will play over and over like a bad film reel.  Last night though was truly awful.  There was clown porn playing in my head.

I mean what else could be worse?  I’m laying there trying to fall asleep and all I can see in my head is a weird clown with a big creepy grin doin it to a sad clown with a big over exaggerated frown.  Disgusting, right?  Not nearly bad enough.  I tried to open my eyes for a few but as soon as I closed them there was another clown doing a strip tease for me so I stayed and watched for a minute.  He completely disrobed, his entire body was as white as his face except for a big rainbow bush for pubes and it looked like his wanger had a clown nose on it.

My eyes sprung open as my phone rang, it was a friend of mine that works the night shift at a hotel now and I’ve never been happier to get a call in the middle of the night before.  Usually I wouldn’t even answer that late but my options were to chit chat for a bit with a friend I hadn’t talked to in a week or so, or more effing clown porn.  So I answered the phone.

I think at some point after my phone conversation I managed to fall asleep.  After I woke up and started my daily googling trying to find the perfect material for today’s DUNDERBRAIN! I decided to type in “clown porn” and honestly I don’t know why I was even surprised by the results.  Like any true pervert I have my google images safe search turned OFF so even if I type in a simple word like cantaloupe I get pictures like this GEM:


Isn’t that horrible?  Anyway, the clown porn results made my soul cry.  Seriously, people get in to this… and video tape it apparently!  I’m still pretty confused as to why clowns even exist in the first place, when I think of clowns I don’t think of having a good time at a 3 year old’s birthday or going to the circus – I think of econoline vans, crack cocaine, and watching bad episodes of CSI: New York.

I know that really isn’t fair to the people who devote their lives to being a clown and bringing joy to children or entertaining or whatever the hell it is that inspires a person to dress up in tacky exaggerated clothing and paint their face like the caricature of a corpse with the white skin and bloated red lips but they scare the hell out of me.  In fact I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that doesn’t have at least a slight fear of them.  To each their own I guess, I’m gonna buy some bootleg internet ambien and try to think about dolphins and shit when I go to sleep tonight.


One Response to “Oh the things that go through an insomniac’s brain…”

  1. Marv 2 April, 2010 at 2:58 pm #

    Dreaming of dolphins – go careful, I stumbled across this:-

    “On 13 December 1991, at Newcastle Crown Court, animal rights campaigner Alan Cooper was cleared of committing an act of indecency with a 12-ft male bottle-nosed dolphin (called Freddie) off Ambie in Northumberland in 1990.

    Peter Bloom, curator of the dolphinarium at “Flamingoland”, N Yorks, had been one of the shore-side witnesses who complained to police about Mr Cooper’s apparent behaviour with Freddie.

    The case hinged on the non-sexual use that wild male dolphins make of their penises. The jury heard evidence from a number of marine biologists that marine mammals like Freddie used their dicks to explore their surroundings, to greet other creatures, and occasionally as “hooks” to tow along human divers when playing dolphin-type games.

    Cleared, Mr Cooper said: “I will continue my mission to see that captive dolphins are returned to their natural home in the sea.”

    (I seem to recall, although I cannot yet locate my source, that dolphins like to masturbate by rubbing themselves on turtles, something which is apparently a major cause of drowning in turtles and probably a great annoyance and embarrassment for the surviviors. More on this if I locate my source.)

    Auberon Waugh commented on the Cooper case in his Telegraph column (14 Dec) with the words:
    “I never thought stimulating animals was an offence. The entire beef industry in this country is based on artificial insemination achieved by the masturbation of bulls.”

    Given that there have been amicable and complex dolphin-human interactions throughout most of recorded history, I can’t help but wonder if delphinese dick-play is the origin of the “mermaid” legend.”


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