Tag Archives: men

Day 1 – Loading

28 Nov

257.4 lbs

So today is my first day of hCG hormone injections. I’ve been anticipating this project a lot, I hear its something you really have to psych yourself up for so I’ve been reading online about the diet, long term and short term benefits, side effects, meal plans, pretty much anything I can get my eyes on about it. It sounds like the perfect plan for me and my lifestyle, plus you only do it for THREE WEEKS. About a month ago I looked in the mirror at the loosing battle of bad diet and age that was staring back at me and decided I HAD to do something, NOW.

A year ago a friend of mine started ordering bootleg hCG from a reliable pharmacy in China and lost 80lbs in a couple months on it. He’s 50 and looks AMAZING now, his body made a total transformation at a point in a man’s life when body changes become really hard to make. Its not that he looked bad before, he’s always been a handsome man but now his body really fits him. I asked him to order me a batch with his next shipment a month ago and it just came in today. I drove out to his house to pick it up earlier and he met me at the car. “Oh my god Justin!” he said as he poked at the double chin forming under my regular chin. Yeah, he’s known me long enough to do that. He’s seen my little muffin top pop out of the pan and rise to a full loaf of bread. He knew me back when my ass was still small.

I’ve always been a pretty fit individual, not fit as much as skinny. I really haven’t ever been FIT fit, even when I was anorexic and 160lbs I still had no muscle tone and had fatty deposits in places they shouldn’t be. A couple years ago my body changed from a cute young twinky boy to a man. A very tall man at that with fat in places that doesn’t look cute at all. At first my bony little butt got a little bigger and it looked AWESOME. For the first time in my life I had an ass and I loved it. Now the ass has started to creep north and my once bangin booty now feels like hefty haunches.

Another area that really improved through my man-change was my chest. I was always wimpy chested but suddenly I had a little something going on there. It was great, there was now definition separating the right from left instead of looking like two pepperonis on a surf board. Then, last year the definition began to thicken and sag. My cute little pooch of a tummy began to swell, and lumps started popping up above my hips. My inner things touch and when I walk around too much on a hot day they chafe. And to top it all off, when I flex my ass cheeks little dimples spring up all over it. Yes, I’m 30, I’m a man, and my ass has cellulite.

At first I thought my bathroom mirror must be possessed by a demon. It looked like I slipped through my tube on the Guadalupe and it got stuck on my man-boobs around my waist. BYECH! I said to myself, “what the HELL happened to me? Where did the cute me go? Did that beast in the mirror eat him? How do I get him back?”

So I started walking every morning. I downloaded an app on my phone to track my calorie intake. I stuck to a calorie limit and watched what I ate, I did that for 3 weeks and I lost 15lbs! It was great! Then one day after a long walk I came home, puked up all the water I drank on my walk and slept the rest of the morning. I decided I had overdone it and needed to take a break. That was about 5 months ago and since then I’ve eaten everything under the sun that I can find.

Its been a self-destructive downward spiral of pancakes, fried chicken, and booze. Lots and lots of booze. I read on a website that one of the major foods to avoid to burn belly fat is pancakes and suddenly I craved pancakes. Within an hour of reading about that I had woken up my neighbor Michael and we were at the local coffee shop eating a giant stack of pancakes. I really feel sorry for the guy, I’ve totally taken him down this dark path with me. Luckily for him the rest of the time he eats like a bird so he can backpedal pretty easily. Yesterday the two of us got gym memberships and are starting tomorrow morning so I’m gonna do my part to help correct the metabolic mistakes we both have made.

The thing I’ve been the most worried about with the hCG program is the actual injection. I HATE needes, my ears were both pierced with 6 gauge needles but I didn’t have to look at that. I have “blood taken” once a year and I can’t even watch the nurse do it, and now I’m supposed to give myself injections EVERY DAY for the next 3 weeks? WTF?

I figured I’m a big boy. I can really do anything I put my mind to. And skinny feels good enough to cancel out the pain of any tiny little needle. After I picked up my drugs I mixed them up, got the needle ready, and rubbed my fat tummy down with an alcohol pad. GAWL DARN the alcohol pad. There’s something about that smell that’s different from rubbing alcohol from a bottle. It brings back memories from childhood, being pinned down to the chair in the doctor’s office, waiting for that pain to come and that tingle fills your nostril that just makes you want to start crying. Its like THAT is when the actual shot starts, even though the injection is in and out in a couple seconds. I took a deep breath, steadied my trembling hand and gently pressed the needle to my skin. Once it was in I pressed down on the plunger and pulled out the needle. Voila! Done!

Today and tomorrow are my “loading days” aka “eat everything in your way because you ain’t eatin SHIT for the next 3 weeks” days. For breakfast was biscuits and gravy with butter in everything, lunch was Krystal Burger, now for dinner I’m making Farfalli Alfredo with hot sausage and half a stick of butter in the sauce. At some point I’m going to the store to purchase a whole cheesecake to be eaten by moi. I’m really looking forward to this whole transformation, lets see how it goes!!!

My stats: Height: 6’8”

Weight: 257.4

Gut: 44

Waist: 43

Hips: 47

Chest: 45

Thighs 25

The Secret Society of Women…

1 Dec

This morning I watched an episode of “The Brady Bunch” for the first time in years.  The episode was the one where Mike tries to teach the girls how to cook for their girl scout badge and Carol tries to show the boys how to play baseball.  I have to say, even for the time this has to be the most sexist thing I’ve ever seen!

Because there’s no way that women could EVER play baseball… when girls pick up a bat their brains get infused with MAN-AIDE and it goes COMPLETELY BONKERS.  There’s no WAY that women like Venus Williams or Flo Jo could ever understand the concept of physical athletic competition…

And as soon as the apron goes over a man’s head he reverts DIRECTLY back to ape form.   We turn into complete idiots and do things like drop everything we touch and burn water.  We can’t possibly clean nor do things like use simple household appliances.  Wolfgang Puck really has no idea what he’s doing and don’t even get me started on Emeril.

I’m always amazed when I watch shows like I Love Lucy, The Brady Bunch, Happy Days and most other shows from the era when women doing things like work outside the house was ridiculous.  It goes along with what I was saying yesterday about men being left to their own devices.  Until about 1960, for thousands of years the Secret Society of Women, who meet on their menstrual cycles in a 4th-dimensional astral plane that most of them aren’t even aware of, decided that they were tired of letting men think they’re 100% in control.

This high council of inner-goddesses decided that they were tired of the kitchen, they were all collectively bored.  It was probably soon after the episode of The Brady Bunch I just mentioned first aired.  Anyway, it was decided that they would rise up, so they all raised their fists in the air in unison.  When they returned to consciousness they all felt inspired and only the “womyn” of the neo-paganist and new age movements were aware of why.  This sparked the women’s rights movement that swept the world.

Now for the most part men still can’t cook.  Unless they’re gay.  Maybe that was the master plot of the Secret Society of Women, to turn the entire world gay so we’ll take care of ourselves and they don’t have to worry about us anymore.  I’m so all for it.  Now Bonanza is on.  It’s weird to think that most of those hot cowboys are either elderly or dead by now.

Men Left to their Own Devices…

29 Nov

After nearly a year of interacting with other guys on a “single” level I have pretty much come to the conclusion that gay guys for the most part are just DUMB.  It can’t be because of the gayness, I thought, because I’m gay.  Straight men are dumb too.  So what is it that makes men such utter retards when left to our own devices?

A friend of mine is a nurse who documents things removed from people’s bodies.  Some of his most interesting stories are about things which had been inserted into various… places, and they’re mostly from men.  What is it that makes men want to go to this strange, bizarre level of kink?  I don’t think it’s as much what makes them do it, it’s what keeps them from doing it: WOMEN.

Some of the kinkiest bastards I’ve ever known were gay men, but I think that’s more because they have no shame in it.  Gay men do things like wear leather chaps and leather cowboy hats and matching leather cock rings.  In public.  Straight men keep their freak secret and hire a dominatrix to fulfill their fetishes in the privacy of a Motel 6.

Dumb straight guys marry young.  They get good jobs that require more functional knowledge than actual creative ingenuity and their wives take care of most of the domestic responsibilities while the he says intelligent things like “get me a beer” and “when’s dinner?”.  Since their wives pick up most of the slack they think that they’re intelligent by default, that their wife is actually dependant on them but again when left to their own devices they eat beans out of the can and live in filth – but they love every minute of it.

Dumb gay guys end up as strippers who put pool balls up their asses while they dance then get care-flighted to the emergency room because they’ve prolapsed their colon.  They spend days on end in bath houses on enough crystal meth to kill a horse.  It doesn’t matter if they can spell ‘crack whore’ as long as they have fun doing it.

So what is it that keeps normal, intelligent men from going all “super tard”?  Personally I think it’s the women in their lives.  The wives and the hags of the world keep guys in check, gay or straight.  They inspire them to do things like brush their teeth and change their underwear.  Of course there’s the select group of intelligent males that can exist in the world independently but for the most part if there isn’t a prominent female figure in their lives men tend to fall apart.

The Male Hormonal Cycle…

26 Oct

Every month around the same time I get that “not so fresh” feeling.  Well not in the place most people usually get it, it’s like I feel it in my soul.  It’s like clockwork, it’s always been that way.  I’m irritable.  I’m depressed.  It’s the only time I can ever cry.  It’s my manrag.

Every man has them, straight, gay, paper machete…  every man I have ever known has had the same problem weather they want to admit it or not.  It’s a rough time, and I think it’s a lot rougher on men than women.  Sure women bleed, bloat, and row a boat (don’t you love my rhyming skills today?) but at least they get to TALK about it.  They can freely talk to each other about their common symptoms and find solace in it.  In most circles if a guy says he’s on his rag, even to fellow manraggers, usually the first word he hears is “FAG!” fallowed by a bottle to the head.

Every month when that special time hits I feel like absolute emotional shit.  I fester on things and overanalyze, I make up crazy scenarios in my head that I realize are totally ridiculous…  I turn into an even bigger woman than I normally am.

So I decided to look around online and it seems to be a topic even professionals tend to avoid.  Actually I could only find one link that didn’t have the words gay or fag in the text line so I checked it out to find that a few other people out there agree.

On Tim Boucher’s blog he showed something he had found on a site selling dietary supplements listing the FIVE male hormonal cycles.  That’s right ladies, you may have physical discomfort and get a little pissy once a month but we have to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions in FIVE ways.

The first is rhythmic fluctuations 3-4 times an hour.  Want to know why we’re always horny?  Because we get a rush of testosterone every 15 minutes or so.  When most women’s natural cycle tells them once a month that they NEED sex, men get it every 15 minutes or so.  Sure women may get aroused at other times but every woman I’ve ever known gets super randy right after she finishes her menstrual cycle.

The second are fluctuations higher in the morning than afternoon.  That’s why men like morning sex so much, and is usually the best!  Personally I always feel like a powerhouse in the morning but as the day goes on I feel less and less engaged.

The third’s the kicker – MONTHLY MALE FLUCTUATIONS THAT ARE RHYTHMIC BUT DIFFERENT FOR EACH PERSON.  That’s the most noticeable cycle, the true manrag.  It’s the cycle most like the female cycle except I think it’s opposite.  I think that where a woman’s period is a rush of estrogen and other hormones making them more emotional, the male period is the time after the hormone rush and testosterone is in a deficiency.  And yes, men do have estrogen just as women have testosterone; no gender has sole proprietorship either so when our testosterone is low naturally we’re left with estrogen.  Lady Fuel.

The fifth is the YEARLY cycle where men have higher levels of testosterone in October than April.  Humans are far more emotional creatures than the rest of the animal kingdom so it takes more than pretty feathers or a burly chest to attract a mate; it takes sensitivity, tenderness, and some degree of understanding of the opposite sex.  Men have lower testosterone in April to be more sensitive and romantic making them more appealing to a mate then higher in Fall to have the constant drive to want to conceive.  You hear about summer love all the time and spring babies, it makes complete sense.  It’s much easier on a woman to be pregnant during the winter than the summer like any other animal because they’re much more prone to dehydration and heat exhaustion.

I’m going in the tent now.  I’ve got the crimson tide.  Uncle Flo has come to visit.  This week I’ve already done the eat ice cream in bed and watch Ice Castles thing…  well it was more like Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.  That movie chokes me up every time.  Being gay is so much easier that actually using hormones for reproduction, they can be put to SO much better use.

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